Go Team Family!

Does your family feel like a team?

Main coaches: Dad and Mom

Team players: Everyone

Goal: Have fun and learn life lessons together!

For anyone who has been on any type of team, one big factor of success is that of teamwork. Teamwork within the family is spelled:

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

Whether we know it or not, we are communicating 100% of the time. 

14% Words

35% Tone

51% Non-verbal

President Kimball said, "You need to communicate so clearly not only that you can be understood, but so clearly you can't be misunderstood."

Some teamwork strategies for a successful family relationship is to:

• Not use sarcasm
• Show that you're actively engaged (Focus... focus)
• Listen... no, really listen intently!
• Use and exercise your skill of compassion
• Give others the benefit of doubt
• Speak AND interpret the truth
• Clarify what you mean then ask for clarification on what they mean

Even though dad and mom are the coaches, notice how everyone gets to play!

Families are to work together as a team because everyone has a unique role (position) that they can only fill. Each role is unique and equal when their together.

Kind of like... a picture perfect puzzle!

True coaches let their athletes tell them how their feeling and what they think could help their team. 

Family counsels are a great way to problem solve, bond, and communicate with each other. Some attributes of successful family counsels are:

• Relaxed setting
• Open and close with prayer
• Weekly with agenda
• Start with personal edification and sincere compliments to everyone 
• Focus on the team players wants/needs rather than just scheduling duties
• Go around the circle letting everyone have their moment to talk

I know that as we mesh our lives together within family counsels and work as a team to literally make family goals that we will be more satisfied in our family. When we avoid living parallel lives, we can work off of each others skills to make life an enriched experience full of memories!

GOAL!

Always remember that when you go out of your way to learn their language, that's when you ultimately express love <3 

"Coping" Saves Lives!

No really, coping does save lives!

Look! That stuff around the edge of the pool is called coping and by pulling yourself up and out of the water you can save your life!

On a different note... when properly coping with family life stresses you can save your life!

We have all had family stresses such as a baby being born, a new job, moving into a new house, or into a different school. We have also had stresses such as cancer in the family, a tragic accident, death, or unfortunate event. Some family members may even have addictions such as alcohol, drug, or other emotional and physical illnesses.

Have you ever had a stress-or in your family life that you just didn't think you could handle?

You were literally at all ends trying to find a positive light, but just thought this was the most horrible thing... I'll never get over this?

Chinese letters impose a new way of looking at things!

In Chinese, the word "crisis" means danger and opportunity!

These tragic life events are dangerous and scary :( but, with them comes opportunity. Opportunity for what? Growth maybe, or to strengthen other family bonds... the opportunities are endless!!!

IF, yes, IF...

We do all we can to cope.

The best way to cope is when family members change how they value and see things.

Let's go back to the ABC's! Actually, ABC... X!

A is for Actual event

B is for Both resources and responses

C is for Cognitions

When you add all of these up... you get the

Total eXperience

This is called the ABCX model.

In any stressful event or crisis we cannot control parts A and B which is the actual event, resources we have, and responses we get.

The only thing we can control is the way we think about the crisis. 

I have found that:

The cognition of compassion creates the best experience.

Now this can be quite a comforting thought... that we can control how the crisis will be! If we want it to be a positive experience, we cognitively think positive about it or vice-versa.

One of the hardest family stressors my parents, Angela, and I had was when my grandmother (mom's mom) had dementia and then Alzheimer's disease. 

A - My mother became her (grandmother with Alzheimer's disease) caretaker within our home.

B- Our resources came from Medicare and other financial resources. My mother also taught herself from doctors and books or the internet about Alzheimer's disease and how we could help her and our family stay strong.

C- Our thoughts varied day by day... it was hard! Some days it was doable and not too bad. Other times we all would be fighting because of our selfish wants not being met or patience running thin. This was indeed very stressful for my mother as well, but I think since she kept her thoughts toward the Lord. The 

eXperience was easier than it would have been otherwise. 

Overeating Does Not Cause Cheating

It's probably not the way you look...

No, you're not fat.

He didn't leave you because of your looks, so STOP blaming yourself.

The way to prevent affairs within marriage is not to workout endlessly and look like a model... shocking, I know.

To me, sometimes it seems that so many people are cheating and divorcing and that marriage is scary because you can never really trust anyone that they will be faithful when Tim and Jane across the street are getting a divorce from her having an affair.

I do have some good news! Not everyone cheats.

The National Marriage Project (2008) revealed that about 21% of married men and 14% or married women report having an affair (though these numbers would be higher since a lot of people have affairs secretly).

There are many reasons why people have affairs:

• Emotional or relational stress
• High amount of conflict
• Lack of being physically intimate
• Environmental influences

In fact, there are four main types of affairs which include:

• Fantasy - Lusting after another within one's mind with unclean thoughts and attitudes
• Visual - Pornography and other media
• Romantic - Emotional intimacy
• Sexual - Adultery (physical act)

I think that most of us have heard of why and how marriages fall apart because of an affair, but I wanted to focus on how we can prevent affairs from even starting. 

Clue: It is NOT by looking smoking hott ;)

There are two main things that both husband and wife need to do together; setting boundaries and being loyal...fiercely loyal. 

(Glass, 1999; Goddard, 2007):

Wise Walls

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. 

This develops deep levels of intimacy.

• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about 

your own marriage.

• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do 

need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the 

marriage.

• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a

bed.

• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you 

bring your spouse along.

• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone

I think we can all agree that these are some excellent boundaries to follow in order to remain fully faithful to our spouse. Real problems do arise when people get the thought that they are above these boundaries and that an affair won't happen to them. 

Affairs happen the same way as when you fell in love with your spouse, so stay away from all temptations of being close to the opposite gender either emotionally or physically.

Cheating begins with a single thought. Controlling your thoughts (which lead to actions) is vital.

Fiercely loyal is putting your spouse first always always always!

So, this doesn't mean we should put the kids first and then our hair appointment to look good so our husband won't cheat on us... it means put him first!

By the way, this is the same for the guys out there. Put your wives first!

Follow these boundaries, control your thoughts, and always put your spouse first is the best way to prevent an affair in your marriage.

HAPPY LOYAL MARRIAGES :)

Oh, BABY!

Discouraging News!

The national average graph for marriage satisfaction suggests a significant decrease with the birth of each child...

Wow, that really makes me want to have a lot of kids!...

But, wait!

We don't have to fall into that trap at all.

Commonly many automatic stresses and adjustments must be made for this new little baby. The problem is that the new parents tend to do what's natural.

In nature, many mammal fathers have the tendency to ignore or isolate themselves away from the new, intimidating bond of the mother-baby relationship.

This can be the same concept with modern day family systems.

The most important thing mothers can do to strengthen their relationship is to  get that father involved...actually, not just involved... but proactive as a vital role in the child's life!

This starts the day she finds out they're pregnant. He NEEDS to attend some doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and planning for the baby arrival.

We as women and mothers must never leave the father out... he's just as much as the parent as you! 

When the parents work together equally, their marriage satisfaction will increase and may not ever necessarily decrease as a baby comes into the picture.

The "Dating" Phenomenon

So, you meet this amazing person and the attraction is definitely there. 

You approach them (as casually as you possibly can, though your heart nearly leaps out at them) and you get to know them.

What's the best way to get to know them?

DATING!

Yes, "that".

Though I know it's going out of style and hanging out seems to be the new norm these days... dating is still proven to be the best way to really get to know someone.

Since this "dating" may seem like a foreign concept... let me explain :)

What is dating?

Dating is being:

• Paired off - I take you and you come with me
• Paid for - guys you know what I'm talking about
• Planned - preferably public outings and family dates

Yupp! It's as simple as that.

These attributes that constitute the dating culture ultimately help encourage guys to exercise their future responsibilities as fathers and husbands. 

Three main responsibilities for men are to protect, provide, and preside.

When being paired off, the men protect the lady.

When the guys pay up they are exercising their ability to provide.

When the date is planned it shows the lady how the man can preside. Presiding also positively shows respect and leadership. (BONUS!)

Dates can be super fun and a great way to get to know someone! 

The best dates are those which are "recreational".

Recreation means - "to recreate"

That's why it's so important after marriage to keep dating the love of your life. So that memories can be recreated and cherished forever.

Recreation is also the perfect way to observe how your date reacts to certain situations either to you or their environment.

Trying a variety of activities that you wouldn't normally do can be fun and a vital learning opportunity for the both of you.

The next time you want to get to know that totally awesome person and you ask yourself whether you should just casually hang out or face your fears and take a leap of faith in asking that person on a date... DATE! 

I can't promise you won't be rejected, but the benefits from

dating a variety of people and doing a variety of activities is for sure the 

most beneficial way of truly getting to know you and that person.

CAUTIONS!

When you're on these dates and getting to know this fantastic person is going swell... please please please use this meter in your relationship.

The first step to beginning a relationship is to truly, deeply KNOW the person. This knowing should always be higher than how much you TRUST that individual. 

If you trust a random person with your car (more than you know them) then who will be blamed if they steal it?

So often we trust someone we barely know with personal issues or our heart and they end up breaking it because we just didn't know them and that they wouldn't.

How much we RELY on that person should always be less than how much we TRUST them.

The next step is how much you COMMIT to them. 

For example, if you commit to someone sooner than when you really trust them and know them or even rely on them... I'm going to tell you that disaster is most likely to occur. 

Finally, you should TOUCH less than and later than when you COMMIT to that person.

In our culture especially, there seems to be this trend of getting to know someone for a little while and then jumping into commitment before you even truly know and trust them. Or we get caught up in the physical attraction and turn up the meter on the touch dial. This automatically turns up some of the other dials as an illusion. When touching someone intimately, we trick ourselves into thinking we really know that person because we feel attached and close. It's sad, I know, but it's an illusion. 

Same-sex Attraction is Not Because of the Sex...it's the Intimacy

Dear California, 

I don't understand you.

Sincerely, 

Most likely not just me

Did you know?!

In the state of California it's illegal for therapists to help people

under age 18 with same-sex attraction...

yes, even when they are the ones who want help!

If the therapist helps that person, they will lose their license.

Am I the only one who thinks this is messed up?

The complicated topic of same gender attraction is a touchy subject.

This week I got to take a look on a couple theories on why same gender attraction is prevalent in our day.

Some argue that people are "born this way" and others believe it's a choice.

We got to dig in much deeper and look at some psychological and physiological theories on why people claim to be attracted to the opposite sex.

It's not hard to think of the socially acceptable and divine roles each gender had. 

Men have behavioral tendencies to be aggressive, spatial, and task orientated. Women tend to be relationship based, emotional, and communicative. 

Specific main roles for men are to protect, provide, and preside. The female's main roles are to nurture and serve others compassionately.

We all know young boys who like to play with the socially unacceptable baby doll or the girls who would rather play with trucks.

Usually we think the girls are just Tom boys and they will eventually grow out of it. But, more concern is for the young boys.

Males with inborn characteristics that seem womanly, like creativeness or sensitivity, grow up playing with the girls because they are accepted by them. The other boys see them as feminine or queer. At such a young age, the young boy is taught socially by his peers that he is different and gay. 

When changes start to take place and maturation occurs, the other boys start to long for the opposite gender. They see them as different and they start acting different around them. 

The boy who has always been close to girls (because he wasn't accepted by the guys) also changes, but since he is comfortable around girls so naturally he may start to long for intimacy (not necessarily sexual intimacy) with the same gender.

This is just one of the theories of how those who think of themselves as gay, did not necessarily "choose" it, but were not "born this way".

My Best Friend :)

In seventh grade I met my best friend, Vala. She came here with her mother from Russia when she was seven years old when her mother married her step-dad. 

It was somewhat different having a Russian best friend. I mean, the biggest difference was her family dynamics and adjustment to the American lifestyle. 

As her best friend, I got to experience some differences as well.

• I got to try Russian foods when I went to her house 

• The conversations between her and her mother were always in Russian, so I would have no clue what they were saying

• Some holidays are really important in Russia, so sometimes instead of spending time with her friends (like most Americans would do) she would take time to be with her family

• I got used to her families mannerisms and beliefs

There was some adjusting on my part... but just think about her family!

This week in my Family Relations class, we had the opportunity to discuss culture within families. Usually we think of culture pertaining to different nationality, this isn't always the case, though it was the case for Vala. In class we also got to look at a family from Mexico who decided to leave their family behind, cross the border, and try to make their way in the American society. I've never really thought about how hard it would be on each family member for their father to leave Mexico in attempt to establish a more secure future for his kids.

I couldn't help but think of Vala and her mom coming over from Russia. Family is really important in the Russian culture. Every one in the family works together and works really hard to help each other. Vala's mom has a twin sister and other family there that she left. She misses them and though she is able to talk to them on the phone, emotionally it is hard. Vala's mother used to be work with children as kind of a pediatrician. Now, she can't get a job like that without going to college for many years. Her husband is financially secure since he's been working for Boeing for many years but still, she has expressed her concern for wanting a job like she used to have in Russia. Everything here is better like her living conditions. But, it is extremely hard to make American friends. Since Vala's mother is very stressed and sometimes unhappy living here, and Vala has made her adjustments to living in America, there are disagreements that come along.

Now that I see how much the family can be affected with moving into a different country (culture), I have gained a better appreciation for not having to move at all.

Maybe if we all could take a look at the lives of the immigrants we are neighbors with and tried to have compassion on their families, their lives could be a bit happier :)