Go Team Family!

Does your family feel like a team?

Main coaches: Dad and Mom

Team players: Everyone

Goal: Have fun and learn life lessons together!

For anyone who has been on any type of team, one big factor of success is that of teamwork. Teamwork within the family is spelled:

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

Whether we know it or not, we are communicating 100% of the time. 

14% Words

35% Tone

51% Non-verbal

President Kimball said, "You need to communicate so clearly not only that you can be understood, but so clearly you can't be misunderstood."

Some teamwork strategies for a successful family relationship is to:

• Not use sarcasm
• Show that you're actively engaged (Focus... focus)
• Listen... no, really listen intently!
• Use and exercise your skill of compassion
• Give others the benefit of doubt
• Speak AND interpret the truth
• Clarify what you mean then ask for clarification on what they mean

Even though dad and mom are the coaches, notice how everyone gets to play!

Families are to work together as a team because everyone has a unique role (position) that they can only fill. Each role is unique and equal when their together.

Kind of like... a picture perfect puzzle!

True coaches let their athletes tell them how their feeling and what they think could help their team. 

Family counsels are a great way to problem solve, bond, and communicate with each other. Some attributes of successful family counsels are:

• Relaxed setting
• Open and close with prayer
• Weekly with agenda
• Start with personal edification and sincere compliments to everyone 
• Focus on the team players wants/needs rather than just scheduling duties
• Go around the circle letting everyone have their moment to talk

I know that as we mesh our lives together within family counsels and work as a team to literally make family goals that we will be more satisfied in our family. When we avoid living parallel lives, we can work off of each others skills to make life an enriched experience full of memories!

GOAL!

Always remember that when you go out of your way to learn their language, that's when you ultimately express love <3 

"Coping" Saves Lives!

No really, coping does save lives!

Look! That stuff around the edge of the pool is called coping and by pulling yourself up and out of the water you can save your life!

On a different note... when properly coping with family life stresses you can save your life!

We have all had family stresses such as a baby being born, a new job, moving into a new house, or into a different school. We have also had stresses such as cancer in the family, a tragic accident, death, or unfortunate event. Some family members may even have addictions such as alcohol, drug, or other emotional and physical illnesses.

Have you ever had a stress-or in your family life that you just didn't think you could handle?

You were literally at all ends trying to find a positive light, but just thought this was the most horrible thing... I'll never get over this?

Chinese letters impose a new way of looking at things!

In Chinese, the word "crisis" means danger and opportunity!

These tragic life events are dangerous and scary :( but, with them comes opportunity. Opportunity for what? Growth maybe, or to strengthen other family bonds... the opportunities are endless!!!

IF, yes, IF...

We do all we can to cope.

The best way to cope is when family members change how they value and see things.

Let's go back to the ABC's! Actually, ABC... X!

A is for Actual event

B is for Both resources and responses

C is for Cognitions

When you add all of these up... you get the

Total eXperience

This is called the ABCX model.

In any stressful event or crisis we cannot control parts A and B which is the actual event, resources we have, and responses we get.

The only thing we can control is the way we think about the crisis. 

I have found that:

The cognition of compassion creates the best experience.

Now this can be quite a comforting thought... that we can control how the crisis will be! If we want it to be a positive experience, we cognitively think positive about it or vice-versa.

One of the hardest family stressors my parents, Angela, and I had was when my grandmother (mom's mom) had dementia and then Alzheimer's disease. 

A - My mother became her (grandmother with Alzheimer's disease) caretaker within our home.

B- Our resources came from Medicare and other financial resources. My mother also taught herself from doctors and books or the internet about Alzheimer's disease and how we could help her and our family stay strong.

C- Our thoughts varied day by day... it was hard! Some days it was doable and not too bad. Other times we all would be fighting because of our selfish wants not being met or patience running thin. This was indeed very stressful for my mother as well, but I think since she kept her thoughts toward the Lord. The 

eXperience was easier than it would have been otherwise. 

Overeating Does Not Cause Cheating

It's probably not the way you look...

No, you're not fat.

He didn't leave you because of your looks, so STOP blaming yourself.

The way to prevent affairs within marriage is not to workout endlessly and look like a model... shocking, I know.

To me, sometimes it seems that so many people are cheating and divorcing and that marriage is scary because you can never really trust anyone that they will be faithful when Tim and Jane across the street are getting a divorce from her having an affair.

I do have some good news! Not everyone cheats.

The National Marriage Project (2008) revealed that about 21% of married men and 14% or married women report having an affair (though these numbers would be higher since a lot of people have affairs secretly).

There are many reasons why people have affairs:

• Emotional or relational stress
• High amount of conflict
• Lack of being physically intimate
• Environmental influences

In fact, there are four main types of affairs which include:

• Fantasy - Lusting after another within one's mind with unclean thoughts and attitudes
• Visual - Pornography and other media
• Romantic - Emotional intimacy
• Sexual - Adultery (physical act)

I think that most of us have heard of why and how marriages fall apart because of an affair, but I wanted to focus on how we can prevent affairs from even starting. 

Clue: It is NOT by looking smoking hott ;)

There are two main things that both husband and wife need to do together; setting boundaries and being loyal...fiercely loyal. 

(Glass, 1999; Goddard, 2007):

Wise Walls

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. 

This develops deep levels of intimacy.

• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about 

your own marriage.

• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do 

need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the 

marriage.

• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a

bed.

• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you 

bring your spouse along.

• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone

I think we can all agree that these are some excellent boundaries to follow in order to remain fully faithful to our spouse. Real problems do arise when people get the thought that they are above these boundaries and that an affair won't happen to them. 

Affairs happen the same way as when you fell in love with your spouse, so stay away from all temptations of being close to the opposite gender either emotionally or physically.

Cheating begins with a single thought. Controlling your thoughts (which lead to actions) is vital.

Fiercely loyal is putting your spouse first always always always!

So, this doesn't mean we should put the kids first and then our hair appointment to look good so our husband won't cheat on us... it means put him first!

By the way, this is the same for the guys out there. Put your wives first!

Follow these boundaries, control your thoughts, and always put your spouse first is the best way to prevent an affair in your marriage.

HAPPY LOYAL MARRIAGES :)

Oh, BABY!

Discouraging News!

The national average graph for marriage satisfaction suggests a significant decrease with the birth of each child...

Wow, that really makes me want to have a lot of kids!...

But, wait!

We don't have to fall into that trap at all.

Commonly many automatic stresses and adjustments must be made for this new little baby. The problem is that the new parents tend to do what's natural.

In nature, many mammal fathers have the tendency to ignore or isolate themselves away from the new, intimidating bond of the mother-baby relationship.

This can be the same concept with modern day family systems.

The most important thing mothers can do to strengthen their relationship is to  get that father involved...actually, not just involved... but proactive as a vital role in the child's life!

This starts the day she finds out they're pregnant. He NEEDS to attend some doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and planning for the baby arrival.

We as women and mothers must never leave the father out... he's just as much as the parent as you! 

When the parents work together equally, their marriage satisfaction will increase and may not ever necessarily decrease as a baby comes into the picture.