Happily Married, Happily Single

Being worthy of the Holy Spirit every day is the basis for a joyful eternal marriage. The Spirit is a sensitive being who can easily be drawn away from a negative thought, action, or environment. Our lives are surrounded by the world’s standards which often cause for divorce. The Spirit’s influence in this life is so vital. We can heed to the promptings of the Spirit to produce more positive thoughts, kind actions, and a spiritual home. Living righteously involves a constant filtering of the world’s standards to live by God’s standards. Naturally by living God’s standards by choice we can have the Spirit’s companionship. We will feel the influence of the Spirit when we feel peace, joy, and an encouragement to keep living the gospel. Within marriage when we have this extra companionship the couple can be led together to have righteous goals, live God’s will, experience true happiness, and become more like Christ.

            Our Savior was the perfect example of how to pattern our lives. The more we work on becoming like Christ to acquire His attributes of patience, compassion, faith, selflessness, charity, humility, long-suffering, purity, and hope, the happier our marriages will be. Though we don’t have biblical stories of His marriage so that we can pattern our marriage after His own, I know that these attributes will make us the perfect person for our partner and for Christ. As long as our relationship with God comes first then our covenants made in the temple will mean so much that we would have every desire to strive for that everlasting covenant marriage daily. This type of marriage is ordained by God’s standards which is not cheap. Through a daily dedication to our covenants and constant charity I believe we can make progress to a divine partnership. Things will always eventually get better through the gospel of Jesus Christ, even marriage.

            I’ve always been fascinated by this phenomenon of love. Everyone wants love, everyone needs love, but not everyone seems to have it. With the divorce and infidelity statistics up I would often wonder if I’d be a lucky one to find this “one love of my life”. 

This semester I have learned so much about the concept of true love. First, love isn’t about the luck of the draw or fate for finding that soul mate. I get to choose if I want to be with a particular special man who I find desirable to the standards I’ve set for my future. Personally, I want to marry my best friend. With this concept comes peace and a bit of nerves knowing that I get to make such a great commitment based from my choice. I know that I will not only be led, but confirmed of my decision by the Spirit if I keep living worthily. My mother has said before, “Choose your love and love your choice.” Second, love isn’t about running into that person and immediately always being happy with them forever. “If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.” Those who get divorces had the choice to “fall out of love” with their spouse. True love is hard work. You fall in love by working on the relationship and you stay in love by working on the relationship. This requires the essential Christ like attributes and many prayers for personal repentance. After making that commitment I need to forget about the person I thought I married and just look ahead to work on loving the person I did marry. If there’s anything I catch myself thinking I’d like to change about my spouse, instead I need to look and change something about myself.

Third, since God has given me the choice of my eternal companion, technically I believe I can love more than one person. With almost any righteous priesthood holder we can work together with an eye single to the glory of God to work on creating a beautiful marriage. I can find “the one” I will spend eternity with, but “the one” could technically be anyone. Finally I just need to keep faith and confidence in Heavenly Father’s personal plan for me. He will provide me in His own timing with a righteous, eternal spouse in which I will create a beautiful family with.

(Angela's wedding at the San Diego temple in September 2011 with me to the left of my father)

  Some of the best marriage preparation is to be truly happily single. 

Having the righteous desire of eternal marriage is good, but knowing your motives behind that desire shouldn’t be because you’re looking for a fix to your own problems. Marriage doesn’t fix your problems. I think if you have personal unresolved problems you bring into your marriage it will actually damage the relationship or just make it even harder. Everyone has their own baggage they will naturally carry into the relationship, but the less the better. When we marry we marry that persons problems as well, but we made that choice.

(Seattle Temple with me on left and sister Angela on right)

~Started here within my parents covenant and will return to His holy temple to covenant with my own eternal companion "for time and all eternity". What a beautiful phrase.~

I must embrace my singleness with a genuine smile on my face. Trudging around being sad that girls like me aren’t married won’t do any good. This attitude will actually do much worse. Not only does it detract from the Spirit, but it’ll either attract the wrong guy or it’ll take you longer to find the right one. Even worse is to just settle for less and jump into marriage for the fact that you wanted marriage. The hierarchy of singleness clearly explains how being happily married is the highest with being happily single, sadly single, and sadly married last. Another exercise perfect for marriage preparation is to not blame others or myself for my singleness. It’s not necessarily my fault I’m not married and it isn’t the guys fault. I shouldn’t compare my marriage journey to another girl because we are totally different people. This way of positive thinking surely will carry over into a happier marriage. I will already have established a habit of not blaming my spouse for problems and not comparing myself to him. My happiness through the single life will convert beautifully into being even happier in the married life.

In conclusion, the key to a happy, eternal marriage is ultimately living the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know through using the atonement in daily repentance and following the example of Christ we can become more like Him. With this knowledge there is peace and joy in an everlasting covenant marriage.

Blended Together, Never Been Better

The commonalities of blended families these days are not scarce!

I, myself, come from a blended family.

Though they are common I bet when you were little you probably weren't wishing for when you grow up you wanted a blended family of your own.

"Families, like other groups, are always stronger together than any member would be alone. Our path to formation may have been non-traditional, but our bonds are all the deeper. Like an ultra-strong alloy metal, our diversity is our strength as each of us is bonded to the other to form the perfect blend that can withstand any test!"
~Deniece

Sincerely, I cannot imagine my life without my five half-siblings and all my nephews and nieces! They bring so much joy to my life now and growing up together would not have been as fun as it was without them!

Statistics say that the second time one marries with children they are more likely to divorce. We can beat those statistics, my family did!

Some key things we need to do to stay strong together as a blended family is to: 

• Stay committed to the gospel principles
• Call your step-mom/dad just mom and dad to establish a family unit
• Step-parents: Let your spouse discipline their biological children when first married (at least first 2 years)
• Step-parents: Act like your spouses children's aunt or uncle. An aunt or uncle still loves them, but also doesn't let them get away with everything or keep secrets from their biological parent
• Stay positive and patient throughout the ups and downs because it's normal for the children to take the divorce or death and then remarriage way harder than you!

You Can Help Your Troubled Teen!

Yes, you can help your troubled teen by actually not helping them.

In fact, when we consistently do for others what they can do for themselves, they will not only be enabled, but resent us.

Do you feel like your child resents you?

Let's take a quiz and assess your parenting style:

http://www.activeparenting.com/Parents-Parenting_Style_Quiz

As you may have noticed there are generally three parenting styles in which parents fall under; authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. It may depend on the circumstance of the situation but most parents fall under a specific style.

The best way to parent a child is that of the authoritative style. This style focus's on the needs of the child. But, the authoritative and permissive styles of parenting are focused on the needs of the parent.

If you found you were either permissive or authoritarian on the quiz... then I would advise you to adopt the style of authoritative.

The authoritative approach equalizes structure, trust, and mutual respect.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T! That IS the KEY!

The key to a positive relationship with your teen... and I'm not just talking about your teen respecting you, but you respecting your teen.

When you want your teen to get something done you should

1) Inquire your teen with a polite request and if that doesn't work...

2) Use an "I" request. For example: "I get frustrated when there is dirty clothes on the floor so can you please pick them up before I come home?"

3) Next, it's time to make a firm request.

4) If nothing else works then resort to creating together with your teen natural and logical responses. This can include (either/or and when/then) statements.

As you may have been able to tell, politeness will work! MHM, imagine that ;)

I can totally relate to this with my mom! Every time she wanted my sister and I to do something she would be so polite and ask us something like, "Hey girls, do you want to come down and set the table for me? That would be a lot of help!" 

I say, if your kid is doing something you done want them to do then don't try to force them. Consequently, this will create a power struggle between parent and child. 

Should I Stay or Should I Go... to Work?

What do you imagine your future life to be?

Will your husband work while you stay at home raising the children?

Will you both go to work to make more money so that you can provide more for your children?

Would you rather the father stay home and mother go to work because she got the college degree and he didn't?

There are many scenarios and factors that juggle in to working and parenting. Times have constituted much change over the years with the Industrial Revolution and Women's Movement. Traditionally we all have the average American life painted into our minds of old time farms with the whole family working together. That doesn't seem plausible in today's times.

Then in more recent times before world war's we have the painted picture of the mother doing house chores and tending to the children while the father is at work. Post-war constitutes a change. Since women had to go to work while their husbands went off to war they found it more convenient to keep their jobs when upon their husbands arrival home. I mean, they had more money, more independence, and more respect outside of the home... not to mention more social interaction to feed their socially starved tendencies with other adults on a daily basis.

So, now we have today. Where a majority of families have two incomes stemming from both the mother and the father. How do you think this affects the children? How do you think this affects the family?

My guess is that families can make it work, but it isn't ideal for the best support for the kids and marriage. With both spouses gone at work, who takes care of the home? The children are at school, groceries need to be picked up, dinner ready, laundry, etc. 

In my opinion the ideal family situation would be that of a full time working husband, a stay at home mother even when the children go to school, and then children who go to school. At the end of each of their work days (career, housework/chores, education) each of the family members come home to bond together as a family. Weekends can constitute a different type of work, play, rest, and worship together. 

Go Team Family!

Does your family feel like a team?

Main coaches: Dad and Mom

Team players: Everyone

Goal: Have fun and learn life lessons together!

For anyone who has been on any type of team, one big factor of success is that of teamwork. Teamwork within the family is spelled:

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

Whether we know it or not, we are communicating 100% of the time. 

14% Words

35% Tone

51% Non-verbal

President Kimball said, "You need to communicate so clearly not only that you can be understood, but so clearly you can't be misunderstood."

Some teamwork strategies for a successful family relationship is to:

• Not use sarcasm
• Show that you're actively engaged (Focus... focus)
• Listen... no, really listen intently!
• Use and exercise your skill of compassion
• Give others the benefit of doubt
• Speak AND interpret the truth
• Clarify what you mean then ask for clarification on what they mean

Even though dad and mom are the coaches, notice how everyone gets to play!

Families are to work together as a team because everyone has a unique role (position) that they can only fill. Each role is unique and equal when their together.

Kind of like... a picture perfect puzzle!

True coaches let their athletes tell them how their feeling and what they think could help their team. 

Family counsels are a great way to problem solve, bond, and communicate with each other. Some attributes of successful family counsels are:

• Relaxed setting
• Open and close with prayer
• Weekly with agenda
• Start with personal edification and sincere compliments to everyone 
• Focus on the team players wants/needs rather than just scheduling duties
• Go around the circle letting everyone have their moment to talk

I know that as we mesh our lives together within family counsels and work as a team to literally make family goals that we will be more satisfied in our family. When we avoid living parallel lives, we can work off of each others skills to make life an enriched experience full of memories!

GOAL!

Always remember that when you go out of your way to learn their language, that's when you ultimately express love <3 

"Coping" Saves Lives!

No really, coping does save lives!

Look! That stuff around the edge of the pool is called coping and by pulling yourself up and out of the water you can save your life!

On a different note... when properly coping with family life stresses you can save your life!

We have all had family stresses such as a baby being born, a new job, moving into a new house, or into a different school. We have also had stresses such as cancer in the family, a tragic accident, death, or unfortunate event. Some family members may even have addictions such as alcohol, drug, or other emotional and physical illnesses.

Have you ever had a stress-or in your family life that you just didn't think you could handle?

You were literally at all ends trying to find a positive light, but just thought this was the most horrible thing... I'll never get over this?

Chinese letters impose a new way of looking at things!

In Chinese, the word "crisis" means danger and opportunity!

These tragic life events are dangerous and scary :( but, with them comes opportunity. Opportunity for what? Growth maybe, or to strengthen other family bonds... the opportunities are endless!!!

IF, yes, IF...

We do all we can to cope.

The best way to cope is when family members change how they value and see things.

Let's go back to the ABC's! Actually, ABC... X!

A is for Actual event

B is for Both resources and responses

C is for Cognitions

When you add all of these up... you get the

Total eXperience

This is called the ABCX model.

In any stressful event or crisis we cannot control parts A and B which is the actual event, resources we have, and responses we get.

The only thing we can control is the way we think about the crisis. 

I have found that:

The cognition of compassion creates the best experience.

Now this can be quite a comforting thought... that we can control how the crisis will be! If we want it to be a positive experience, we cognitively think positive about it or vice-versa.

One of the hardest family stressors my parents, Angela, and I had was when my grandmother (mom's mom) had dementia and then Alzheimer's disease. 

A - My mother became her (grandmother with Alzheimer's disease) caretaker within our home.

B- Our resources came from Medicare and other financial resources. My mother also taught herself from doctors and books or the internet about Alzheimer's disease and how we could help her and our family stay strong.

C- Our thoughts varied day by day... it was hard! Some days it was doable and not too bad. Other times we all would be fighting because of our selfish wants not being met or patience running thin. This was indeed very stressful for my mother as well, but I think since she kept her thoughts toward the Lord. The 

eXperience was easier than it would have been otherwise. 

Overeating Does Not Cause Cheating

It's probably not the way you look...

No, you're not fat.

He didn't leave you because of your looks, so STOP blaming yourself.

The way to prevent affairs within marriage is not to workout endlessly and look like a model... shocking, I know.

To me, sometimes it seems that so many people are cheating and divorcing and that marriage is scary because you can never really trust anyone that they will be faithful when Tim and Jane across the street are getting a divorce from her having an affair.

I do have some good news! Not everyone cheats.

The National Marriage Project (2008) revealed that about 21% of married men and 14% or married women report having an affair (though these numbers would be higher since a lot of people have affairs secretly).

There are many reasons why people have affairs:

• Emotional or relational stress
• High amount of conflict
• Lack of being physically intimate
• Environmental influences

In fact, there are four main types of affairs which include:

• Fantasy - Lusting after another within one's mind with unclean thoughts and attitudes
• Visual - Pornography and other media
• Romantic - Emotional intimacy
• Sexual - Adultery (physical act)

I think that most of us have heard of why and how marriages fall apart because of an affair, but I wanted to focus on how we can prevent affairs from even starting. 

Clue: It is NOT by looking smoking hott ;)

There are two main things that both husband and wife need to do together; setting boundaries and being loyal...fiercely loyal. 

(Glass, 1999; Goddard, 2007):

Wise Walls

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. 

This develops deep levels of intimacy.

• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about 

your own marriage.

• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do 

need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the 

marriage.

• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a

bed.

• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you 

bring your spouse along.

• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone

I think we can all agree that these are some excellent boundaries to follow in order to remain fully faithful to our spouse. Real problems do arise when people get the thought that they are above these boundaries and that an affair won't happen to them. 

Affairs happen the same way as when you fell in love with your spouse, so stay away from all temptations of being close to the opposite gender either emotionally or physically.

Cheating begins with a single thought. Controlling your thoughts (which lead to actions) is vital.

Fiercely loyal is putting your spouse first always always always!

So, this doesn't mean we should put the kids first and then our hair appointment to look good so our husband won't cheat on us... it means put him first!

By the way, this is the same for the guys out there. Put your wives first!

Follow these boundaries, control your thoughts, and always put your spouse first is the best way to prevent an affair in your marriage.

HAPPY LOYAL MARRIAGES :)